My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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