he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
