i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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