someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
