If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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