someone owes me an orgasm
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
