Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
