I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
