That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
