mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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