well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
