..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
