Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
