im six kinds of drunk right now
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
