he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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