I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
