Cold hands, warm shart.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
