apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You made out with two different species that night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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