I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
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I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
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I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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