The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
