You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
They took my balls.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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