Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm at about main and main street
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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