I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
