her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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