I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
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