Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
