I feel like abortions should bother me more
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Randomize
