someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
literally had 100 drinks last night.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
