6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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