I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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