I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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