I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
