He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
