He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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