I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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