Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
