Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
