Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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