my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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