I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
