my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
