All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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