he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
