At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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