Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
