You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
