He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
