drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
