I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
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I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
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I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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