I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
