I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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