God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
