stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
