Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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