I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
How does it feel to date your dad?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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