I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
